


My Immortal Role

by xXxGraviturgistxXx



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Dramatic!Essek, Every character will show up eventually, Goth!Essek, Goth™, M/M, Parody, References to My Immortal, Shadowgast, Sorry Not Sorry, The Orphanmakers is a Goth band, Vampire!Essek, Vox Machina is a Goth band, What Have I Done, What’s sexier than wizards NOTHING, okey snesnake, save yourself it's to late for me, shamelessly inserted dnd oc in whatever this is, this is awful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 8,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22449181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXxGraviturgistxXx/pseuds/xXxGraviturgistxXx
Summary: Hi my name is Shadowhand Essek Lucifer Absinthe of den Thelyss....The Shadowgast Immortal nobody asked for...
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 148
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a parody inspired by the infamous fan fiction ”My Immortal”.  
> I just felt it was a crime that there were no Shadowgast version of this masterpiece.  
> All spelling misstakes, typing errors, bad grammar etc is ment to be there, it’s part of the parody.  
> Come and feel the pain and laughter with me in this awful project that I somehow thought was a good idea to do.

Hi my name is Shadowhand Essek Lucifer Absinthe of den Thelyss (some plp spel it Essik but they are WRONG n stupid that isdnot my name) i am a very hanbdsome drow (if u dont know what that is its a dark elf) with short spiky white hair with an undercut and dark purple skin and glowing eyes also my very pointy ears are pierced in many places. I am a Wizard (Graviturgist) and a vampire. I am the shadowhand to the Queen of the dinasty so I am very important and she likes me a lot even though I am a bit lonely somtims because I am very young for a draw (only 120) and the others have lived more then one lifes by know (its part of our religion to live many lives). As the shadowhand I need 2 dress very good and I like to shop at Hag Topic (it is the Xhorhasian version of Hot Topic, it is a hag that owns it) for example today I was wearing black leather trousers with a black waistcoat with skulls over a silk shirt with a cravat in deep purple but it was all hidden under a big black mantle in a brocade fabric with a shoulderpiece in metal (it looks like silver but is not bc ima vampire) with spikes and studs. I hade a lot of pircings in my ear mostly spikes and my whinged eyeliner was on point!. I was floating through the palace of the queen (I don’t walk, I floot everywere) it was dark otside bc its always nightime here in Roshona but I know the time anywhay and it was dahytime, I like the Dark^^. A lot of preps stared at me. I made the xhorhasian version of the middle finger towards them. 

”Hallo Essek” shouted a Zemnian accent. I looked up. It was…. Caleb Widogast!

”What’s up Caleb?” I asked.

”Nothing” he said shyly.

But then I heard my friend calling me so I had to go.


	2. Chapter 2.

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was dark as usuall. I steped out of my coffin and drank some blood I had in a glass bottle on my table. My coffin was very expencive and black and had the symbol of the beacon on it (it is part of our religion, it will help you be reborn). I took of my the Orhphanmakers t-shit that I used as pyjamas. And then I put on a velvet jumpsuit with a lot of embroidery of skulls and dark things on it and my doc martin shoes (they look almost new because I never walk). I put on a very very dark purple mantle with big spiky shoulder pices and I had a lot of skulls as earrings. I did a winged eyeliner and put on some purple lipstick that matched my skin so you wouldnt see it was there but it made me look cool anyway. 

My friend, Darknez, woke up then and grinned with her fanged teeth. She is an blue tiefling with all black eyes and horns that curla round her head with her curly black hair and a long develish-tail with a spik/darty point. She had been staying in my house because her own house were renovating because she was changing all the floors and walls to black. She put on a black crop-top with a lot of lace and a maxiskirt that had two long slits in it. She didn’t use shoes because she was a tiefling that had hooves instead of feats. I helped her braid her hair while she but on her black lipstick. 

”OMFG I saw you talking to Caleb Widogast yeasterdya!” she said excitedly.  
”Yes, what is your point?” I said, turning a deeper color of purple, almost matching my mantle.  
”Do you like Caleb?” she asked as we went out to the streets of rosona towards the palace.  
”No I so fucking don’t” I screamed.  
”Yeah, right” she huffed. Just then, Caleb walked up to me.  
”Hallo” he said.  
”Hi” I said flritingly.  
”Guess what?” he said.  
”What?” I asked  
”Well, Vox Machina are having a concert in the Firmaments district” he told me.  
”OH. MY. FUCKING. LUXON!” I screamed. I love Vox Machina. They are my favorite band, besides the Orphanmakers.  
”Ja, well…. Do you want to go with me?” he asked in his zemnian accent. 

I gasped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I put in an self-inserted character in an self-inserted fic. You can judge me but it’s already too late, I can not be saved from the disaster that is this project.  
> (Darknez is not a dnd character that I play but I needed a self-inserted character because of reasons and I think I did a good job. I could see myself playing her sometime.)


	3. Chapter 3.

On the night of the concert I put on a pair of high waisted trousers and a tight shirt in black lace and kneehigh boots. As usually I put on a big mantle with some spiky studs att the sholders. I used a lot of start as my earrings an put on a lot of rigns with different gemstones. I had a lot of hairgel in my hair and made it all spiky. I felt a little depressed so I burned myself with a cantrip. Then I read a book on dynamancy and listen to some Vox Machina. I put on blavk nailpolish and then I drank some orc blood so I was ready for the concert. 

I went outside. Caleb was waiting for me beside his flying catspaw. He was wearing a big coat over a black torn up shirt and had a big scarf svinging around him. His cat, Frumpkin, lay over his neck like a second scarf.

”Hi Caleb” I said in a depressed voice.  
”Hallo Essek” he said back. We walked to his flying catspaw and it picked us up and flew us to the concert. On the way we talked about dunamancy and torturing traitors. We both made drugs and drank Lionette-vine. When weg ot there the catspaw droppt us on the ground. I never touched the ground cause I float. We went to the mosh pit at the front at the stage and float up and down and listened to Vox Machina. 

”She’s got magic and flair  
He’s got daggers and cunning  
They don’t see over there  
There’s a monster incoming  
Take your faith in your hand let it fly with the dice  
Inspiration is waiting, you breath and you slice” sang Scanlan  
(I dont own tha lyrics this tha the original to your turn to roll ment for Vox Machina, c? this all so well thaut through!)

”Scanlan is so fkn hot!” I said to Caleb, poting at him singing, filling the inn with his amazing voice.   
Suddenly Caleb looked sad.   
”What’s wrong?” I asked as we floated/danced to the music. Then I caught on.   
”Hey, it’s ok, I don’t like him better then YOU!!” i said.  
”Really?” asked Caleb sensitivly and put his arm around me all protectivly.  
”Really” i said ”besides I don’t really know Scanlan and he’s going out with Pike fucking Trickfoot. I fucking hatet hat little gnome” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly white/blond face.   
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Caleb. After the concert we drank some ale and asked Scanlan and Grog for some autographs and photos with them. Wr gopt Vox Machina concert tees. Caleb picked u sup in his catspaw again, but Caleb didnt float us back to the palace, instead he flew us to….. The Xhorhaus!


	4. Chapter 4

”CALEB” I shouted. ”What In THE LUXONS NAME do you think you are doiing?”  
Caleb didn asnwere but he stoppd the catspaw and dropped out ofit. I flooted of too, curious.  
”Whhat the fucking empire?” I asked angrily.  
”Essek?” he asked.  
”What?!” i snapped.  
Caleb leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic intense blue eyes (its a thing u preps) wich reveald so much depression sorrow and evilness amd ten suddenly i didnt feel mad anymore.  
And then…. suddenly just as I Caleb kissed me passionatly. Caleb puched me against the wall and we started to make out keenly agains t the xhourhaus hous. He took off my shirt and I took off his clothes. He even took of my mantle,. Then he turned me arond and put his thingie in my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. 

”Oh! Oh! Oh!” I screamed. I was begginning to come. We started to kiss everywhere and my purple body became all warm. And then….

”WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU MOTHERFUKHERS DOING??!” I felt a crossbow bolt hit my leg. 

It was…. Nott!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't decide if I want to answer comments in character or not so you just have to guess which one it is.


	5. Chapter 5

Nott made and Caleb and I followed her. My leg hurt extra bc shes a roug so she get sneak attack bonus. She kept shouting at us angrily. 

”You ludacris fools!” she shouted. 

I started to cry tears up blood down my plum face. Caleb conforted me. When we went into the xhorhaus Nott took us to Beau and Yasha who were both looking very angrly. 

”They were having sexual intercourse against the Xhorhaus wall!” she yelled in a shrill goblin furious voice.   
”Why would you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Beau.  
”How dare you?” demanded Yasha.  
And then Caleb shrieked. ”BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”   
Everyone was quiet. Nott and Beau still looked mad but Yasha said ”Okej. If you say so. You may go home.”   
Caleb and I went out while his friends glared at us.   
”Are you okej Essek?” Caleb asked me gently.   
”Yeah, I guess” I lied. I went home and brushed my teeth and my har and changed into a v-necked fulllengethd night dress with purple lace and glas slippers (thiz is cloths a guy can weae i know, ur just a poser if u tink not). When I came out….

Caleb was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ” Burt Reynolds” by Vox Machina. I was so flattered, even though he wasnt suppose to be there. We huggd and kissed. After that we said goodnight and he reluctantly went home.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on white west with a deep v cut that was seethrough and checkpatterned and high waisted dark purple tight pants and kneehigh black boots. I put a lot of silver-colored studs in my ears (theyr not rel silver bc ima vampire you prep) and some metal on top of my ears. I also curled my hair. I put on a big black mantle with spikes on the sholders. 

On my way to the palace I ate some Menagery coast-fruit with blood, I also drank some blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spillec over my mantle.

”Fudge Packer!” I shouated angrily. I regretted saying that when I look up because I was looking into the minty pale face of ha gothic boy with spiky black hair with aa white streak in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner it was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He had scars all over his face and his pale mint green face toned into a slightly darker green where his bright yellow eyes were piercing me with a look. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection, it was an eraction but I have a big mantle so noone could se it so its ok you sicko. 

”I am so sorry” he said in an texan-brittish accent.   
”No problem, what’s your name?” i questioned.  
”My name is Fjord but moste people call me Vampire snesnake these days” he growled.  
”Why?” i said intreaged.  
”Because I love the taste of human blood” he licked his tusks and I could see that there were blood on them ”and my patrion is the serpent of the oceaon, Uk'otoa” he explained. From every corner of the room I could hear the name ”uk’otoa” whispering ekoed. It was very creepy and therefor intreagin.   
”Well I’m a vampire” I confessed.  
”Really?” he whispered. Even though he hadn’t said it’s name ”ukotoa” was echoing through the halls.   
”Yes” I said.  
We sat down to talk while fjords patreons name echoed around us.   
Then Caleb came up behind me and told me he had a suprise so I went awqay with him.


	7. Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life.

Caleb and I held ur purple and freckled hands as we went upstars. I was wearing purple beacon symbols on my nails over the black nailpolish. (lok, satanism dosnt esist in tis world so he likes luxon, k??) I waved to Vampire snesnake. Dark misory was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous that I was going out with Caleb. Anyway, we went to Calebs room in the xhorhaus. We locked the doer.Then….

We started frenching passivly and we took of each others cloths enthustiasticly. He felt me up before I took of my mantle. Then I took of my shirt and he took of his pants. We went to the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy thingy in mine and we HAD SEX (that how bojs sex work right?)

”Oh Caleb, Caleb!” I screamed while coming when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Calebs arm. It was a black heart with a falchion through it. On it in bloody gothic writing where the word… Vampire snesnake!

I was so angry.

”You balleater!” i shouted angrily, juping out of the bed.  
”No! No! But you dont understand!” Caleb pleaded. _But I knew to much._  
”No you fucking idiot!”I shouted. ”You are probably seasick and everythin!”  
I put on my clothes all huffy and then stomped out. Caleb run out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so all the wauy to the kitchen where Vampire snesnake was with Beau and some other people .

”VAMPIRE SNESNAKE, YOU FUCKER!” I yelled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Fangz 2 u al i apriciate the luv but this iz the part were u are suppose to say Essek is a mary sue, common guyz i need somthng too work with)


	8. Chapter 8

Everyone in the kitchen stared at me and the n Caleb came into the kitchen even ythough he was naked and started to beg me to take him bafck. 

”Essek its not what yuo think!” Caleb skreamed sadly. 

My friend Medusa smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long blond-to-black gothic braids and open her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. Allura was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a drow but Mercy killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and is very haunted and depressed. It also turnes out she is half drow and not fully human. (she moved to roshona so she could be in the dark)

”What is it that you desire, you ridiculus dimwit!” Beau demanded angrily in her bitchy voice but I ignored her.   
”Vampire snesnake I cant belive you cheated on me with Caleb!” I shouted at him. 

Everyone gasped. 

I dont know why Essek was so mad at me. I had went out with vampire snesnake for a while bu then we broke my heart. He dumped me bc he liked Spurt, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic (haha, like i would hang out with a prep) 

”But I’m not going out with Caleb anymore!” said Vampire snesnake.   
”Yeah, fucking right, fuck off you halforc!” I screamed (u c? bc its bad not to be full orc just a half one) I run out of the xhorhaus and fell against the wall where i had lost my virility to Caleb and then I started to burst into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (stop flaming u poser preps essek is not a mary sue hes a drow they are dark and goff and cant be mary sues!!)

I wass so mad and sad. I couldn belice Caleb for cheating on me. I behan to cry against the wall where I did it with Caleb. 

Then all of a sudden, a horrible furry man with coral pink eyes and no nose and everything started running towards me. Well when i say running i meen walking very fast. Well when i say very fast. Anywaay. He didnt have a nose (you know, like furbolgs, basically like caducesu). And he was wearing all pink and mint and pastels and deinitly not goffik. It was…. Caduceus! 

”No!” i shouted in a scared voice but then Caduceus shouted ” Guidance!!” and I couldnt run away.   
”Counterspell!” I shouted and caduces fwll off his feet and started to screem. I felt bad for him even though im a sadist so i stopd.   
”Essek!” he yelled. ”Thou must kill Vampire Snesnake!!! 

I thought abut vasmpire snesnake and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair with a white streak and how his yeelllow eyes seems to pierce me. I remembered Caleb saying that i didnt undersyand, so i thought, wehast i f Caleb whent out with vampire snesanke before i went out with him and they broke up? 

”No, Caduceus!” I hsouted back.   
Caduceus gave me a gun. ”no! Please!” i begged.   
”thouh must!” he yelled ”if ythou do not then i shall kill thy belobed Caleb!”   
”How did you know?” I asked in a suprised way.   
Caduceus got a dude-ur-so-retared look on his face (and thats saying something coming from cad!) ”I hath telekeninis” he answered cruelly. ”and if yoyu doth not kill Vampire snesnake, then thouh know what will happen to Casleb!!” he shouted. Then he run away agrily. Whell wen i say run i meen waliing very fast. Well when i say really fast. You get it its caduceus.

I was so scared and mad i didnt know what to do. Suddenly caleb came out of the house. 

”Caleb” i said. ”Hi”   
”Hallo” he said bback but his face was all sad. He was wearing black eyeliner and small pentagrams that were so small it just looks like they were more freckles.   
”Are you okej?” i asked.  
”Nein.” he answered (geddit?).  
”I’m so sorry ai got all madat you but i thought oyu cheeted on me” i expelled.  
”it is gut” he said all depressed and we went back to my house and making out.


	10. Chapter 10

I was really scared about Caducses all day. I was even upset went to rehersal with my gothic metal band Xhorhasian Gothic Starz 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play the lute. People say that we sound like a cross between the orphanmakers, vox machina, and that Victor-dude from Vasselheim (it u dont know hw he is hten ur a poser). The other people in the band are Medusa, vampire snesnake, Caleb, Keg (i was gonna change kegs name to something more goffik but its already keg and thats fjucking cool so it stayes,. But she has black hair with pink orange and white streaks in it. Honestly i dont know the lesbian flags colors but thasts wqhat it is) and Jester. Only today Caleb and Vampire snesnake was depressed so they wereent coming so we wrote songs instead. I know Caleb was probably using his cantrip to burn himself (he woudlnt be able to burn himself to deth because the only way you kan kill a vasmpire is with a C-R-O-S-S (ima not wrioth that word down) or with a STEAK) and vampire snesnake was probably swallowing balls or water or whatever he dos withh his god. I put on a black leather shirt that wa sopen so my stomach was visible and tiny matching bootyshorts that said dunamancy on the butt. I put on my mantle over it but made sure that there were a slit that might come open when i flooted. You might think I'm a slut but I'm not.

We were singing a cover of ”your turn to roll” and at the end of the song i burst into ters.   
”Essek! Are you ok?” Medusa asked in a concerned voice.  
”What the fjuck do you think???” i asked angrily. ”Well, Caduses and the fjucking bastard told me to fjucking kill fjucking Fjord! But i dont wsnt to kill him, because, he really nice, even if he did go out with Caleb. But if I don’t kill Fjord then Caduceus, will fjucking kill Caleb!” i burst into tears. 

Suddenly Caleb jumped out from behind a wall. 

”Wy didnt you fjucking tell me??!” he shouted. ”how could you- you- you fjucking poser fejk elf bich” (c, is datout of character?)   
I staryed to cry and cry. Caleb started to cry too all sensetive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Nott walked in angrily! Her eyes were all fierly and i knew it wsdnd because she had a headace.   
”What have you done!” she started to cry wisely (thiz iz al in character and im very good at finding there real personalitiis and not make them up for tha story) ”Essek Caleb has been found in his room. He commited suicide by burning himself!” (insert caleb killed his whole family with fire joke here)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, thank you all for your comments, they are the ones who made me want to continue this disaster even after taking a break.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How about that episode 97 huh?

”NO!1” I screamed. I was hoororified. Medusa tried to comfort me but i told her to fjuck off and i run 2 my room crying myself. Nott run after me shouiting but she had to stop when i raninto my house cause she woujld look like a perv that washy.

Anyway, I started to cry tears of blbood and then i burned both my arms with a cantrip. They got all over my clothes so i took them of and jumoed into the bath angrily while i put opn a the orphanmakers song att ful wolume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into mu heart to commit suicide. I was so fjucking depressed! I got out od the bathtub and put on a long lacy nightgown in black and gold witt perl trims all sadly. I put on a pair of golden snandles and a lot of golder yewlery. I couldnt fjucking belive it! I wemt into my study and took out my dunamancy bbooks and started to sadly work on some spells. Then i looked out the window and screamed…. Beau was spying on me and was taking a video tape of my bvook!! And Dairon was looking on all smily! They clinged to the house like the wiird munks they are. 

”EW, YOU FJUCKING TRAITORS, STOP LOOKIJNG AT MY SPELLVOOK!ARE YOU TYRAITORS OR WHAT???!” I screamed Putting on a a black towle with dunamancy symbols on it. Suddenly vampire snesnake run in! 

”Eldritch blast!” he yelled in his sexy texan-brittish accent at Beau and Darion making finger gun motions. I took my gun and shot beau and darion a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.   
Suddenly Nott run in. ”Essek, it has been revealed that someone has -NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at beau and dairon and then she wawed her crossbow and suddenly…  
Jester ran outside on her giant lollipop and said everyone we need to talk.   
”What do you know Jester? Your just a little blue safire!”   
”I MAY BE A BLUE SAFIRE…” jester paused angrily ”BUT IM ALSO A WUSHIPPING THE LUXON!!”  
”This cannot be” Beau said in a horse voicwe as blood dripped from her hand where she hasd caaut Notts crossbow bolt. ”There must be other factors.”   
”YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY!” i yelled in madly.  
Darion held up the vcamera triumelephanty. ”the lens may be ruind but the tape is still in there!”   
I felt faint, mpore then i normally do like when you dont drink enogh blood.   
”why are you doing this?” darion said angrily.

And then i heard the words that i have heard before but not from her. I didnt know wither to feel shooked or happi or to bite her and drink her blood becase i felt faint.   
”BECAUSE…. BECAUSE…” Jester said and she paused in the air dramitaclly, wawing her lollipop in the air. The swooped her in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by the ruby of the sea.   
”Because your goffic?” beau asked in a little afraid voice cause she was afraid it ment that she was connected to the beacon.   
”because I LOVE HIM!”


	12. Chapter 12

I was about to burn my again but not with a cantrip but with Widogast's Web of Fire that Caleb lerned me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but i knew that we must both go together.

”NO!” I THOGT IT WAS JEster but it was vampire snesnake. He started to scream. ”OMFG! NOOOOO! MY STOMACK HURTS!” and then… his eyes rolled up! You could only see his yellow whites. And he started to cuff up sea water.  
I stopped. ”How did you know?”  
”I saw it! And then i felt my strength weaken again!”  
”NO!” i ran upp closer. ”i thought your stregnt was two scores higher now!” i shouted.  
”It did but the wildmother must have found out about me worshopping Uk'otoa again” ( _Uk'otoa… Uk'otoa… Uk'otoa…_.) ”and took the strength she gave me away!” he said back. ”anyway my stomack hurt and i can taste saltwater! Save me! Then i had a vision of what was happening to caleb…. Cadusecs has him bondage!”

Anyway, i was in the healing part of the castle now recovering from my burns. Beau and Darion and GESTER where there too. They were going to the blooming grove after cause they were traitors and you cant have trators in the palace of the bright queen. Nott had constipated the cideo camera they took of my book. I did the xhorhasian version of the middle finger to them.

Anyway, Jester came into my healers bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.  
”Essek I need to tell u sometimg.” she said in a v. serius voice, giving me the roses.  
”Fjukk off” i told her. ”you know i fjukking hate color pink anyway, and i dont like fjuckd upp reps like u” i snapped. Jester had been meen to me before for being goffik.  
”No Essek.” Jester says. ”those are not roses”  
”what? Are they goffs too u poser prep?” i asked cause i was angry that she has brought me pink roses.  
”I saved your life!” Jester Jelled angily. ”no you didnt i replied” ”You saved me from getting a Pike Trickfoot t-video made from your spellbook and being vued by Beau and darion.”  
Who are kobolt monks! (c is that spelled wrong) to it he added silently.  
”whateva!” i yelled angrly.  
She pointed her lolliopo at the pink roses. ”these arnt roses.” she suddenly looked at them with an evil look and muttred I killed my whole family ill throw you under the bRIDGE!  
-  
”tthats not a spell thats an the orphanmakers song” I corrected her wisely.  
”i know, i was just warming up my vocal cordes” then she screamed. ”TooOll thee Deeaded imo noto okeyo!”  
And then the roses turned into a big black flaame flooting in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now i new she wanst a prep!  
”OK i belive u now where is Caleb?”  
Jester rolled her eyes. I looked into the ball of flames but i couldnt c nothing.  
”U c Essek.” Nott said, wathing the 2 of us watching the flame. ”2 c wht iz n da flame (HAHA FLAME GEDDIT U GOFFS?) u mst find urself 1st, k?”  
”I HAVE FUND MYSELF OK U MEEN LITTLE GIRL” Jester Jelled nOtT looked shook. I guess she dntd have a headache or els she wold have said something back.  
Jester stormed off back to her bed. ”U r a liar Not the braVE!”

Anyway when i got better i went to my home and but on some lether korset with silver studding and thight velvet pants with emproidery of skulls and kneehigh boots with a lot of trimming. I put out my hair all messy and had a lot of silve-notreally-silver earrings and studs. I put on black eyeliner and lipstik. I put my big manyle with silveraktig shoulder piece with a lot of chains and spikes and studs n stuff.  
”You look Kawaaii, man” Medusa said sadsly. ”Fangz (geddit) you do too” i said sadly too, but i was stil upseat. I burned my with a cantrip and felt totally depressed and i sucked all t blood. I cried in my study but put on the shades so Beauu and dairon couldnt spy on me again. I went to some work. Vampire snesnake was in a hall, he looked all depressed because Caleb had dissapeard and he used to be in love with caleb. He was drinking some blood from a kobold.  
”Hi” he sad in a depressd way. ”Hi back” i said in an qwally depressed way.  
We both looked at ech other fro some time. Fjord had beautifully yellow eyes so much like Calebs. Then….. we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.  
”STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” Yasha said calmly who was watching us and so was everyone els.  
”Vampire snesnake you fjucker” i said slapping him. ”stop trying to screw me, You know I love Caleb!!” i shoted and then run away angrily.  
Just then he started to scream. ”OMFG! NOOOOO! MY STOMACK HURTS!” and then… his eyes rolled up! You could only see his yellow whites. And he started to cuff up sea water.  
”NO!” i ran upp closer.  
”i thought your stregnt was two scores higher now!” i shouted.  
”It did but the wildmother must have found out about me worshopping Uk'otoa again” ( _Uk'otoa… Uk'otoa… Uk'otoa…._ ) ”and took the strength she gave me away!” he said back. ”anyway my stomack hurt and i can taste saltwater! Save me! Then i had a vision of what was happening to caleb…. Cadusecs has him bondage!”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some more of this awful fic in these trying times that is post episode 98.

Vampire snesnake and i run up the stares looking for nott. We wewer so scared.   
”NOtt Not!” we both yelled. Nott came there.  
”what izit that you want now you despicable snobs?” she asked angrily.  
”Cadcucec have Caleb!” we shoted at the same time.  
She laughed in an evil vocie.  
”No! Don’t! we need to save Caleb” we begged.   
”No” she said meanly. ”i dont give a darn what cadcucses dos with Caleb. Not after how much he misbehaved in the xhorhause espesially with YOU Essek!” she said while she frowened looking at me. ”besides i never liked him that much anyway” then she stelthed away. Vampire snesnake started crying. ”my caleb” he moand.   
”Its okay” i tried to tell him but that didtn stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. ”I have an idea!” he exclamed.  
”What?” i asked him.   
”Yull see” he said. He took out his falchion (his stil w. okothoa so he stil have da falkion, k) and did a spell. Then…. Suddenly we were in Caduceus graveyard!   
We ran in with sword and spells ready jst as we heard a croon voice say ”Eyes of the Grave!”   
It was… Caducuec!


	14. Chapter 14

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. 

We ran to were Caducsc was. It turned out that Caduceus wasn’t there. Instead that half dragon girl was. Caleb was crying tears of blood. Calianna was turturing him.   
Vampire snesnake and i run in front of kaliana.   
”rid my sight you despicable preps!” she shouted as we started shooting her with the gun she Then suddenly she looked at me and she fell down with a lovey-dovey look in her eyes ”.” she said.   
”huh?” i asked.   
”Essek I love you will you have sex with me?” asked kaliana. I staryted laughing crudely. ”what the fjuck? You torure my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? Gods, you are so fjuckt up you fjucking brat.” i said angrily. Then i stabbed her in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fontain.   
”Noooooooooo!” she screamed. She started screaming and running around. Then she fell down and died. I bursed into tears sadly. 

”Calianna what art thou doing?” called Caduces. Then…. He started coming! We could hear his high heals clacking to us. So we did some spells and transported to my house. We went to my room. Vampire snesnake went away. Then i started cryng. 

”whats wrong, liebling?” asked Caleb taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sexx-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.   
”its so unfair!!” I yilded. ”why cant i just be ugly and plain like all da other drows and preps here except for Medusa, because shes not ugly or anything.”   
”why would you wanna be uglu? I dont like the preps anyway. They are such fjucking sluts!” answered caleb.   
”yeah, but everyone iz in love w me! Like beau and diron was spying on my studying. Jester sais shes in love with me! Vampire snesnake likes me and now even Caliana is in lovwe with me! I just wanna be w you ok Caleb! Why couldnt the luxon just have made me less beautiful?” i shouted asngrily. (dont wory essek inst a snob or anything but a lot of ppl have told him his pretty) ”I am good at too many things! WHY CANT I UST BE NORMAL? ITS A FJUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then i ran away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly wish I could put an actual warning because of how awful this is but then people won’t find this and we need more people to suffer with us!


	15. Chapter 15

”Essek! Essek!” shouted Caleb sadly in zemnian. ”Nein. Bitte. Komm zurück!”

But I was too mad. 

”Whatever! Now u can go anh hav sex with Vampire snesnake!” i shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my spiky purple key. It had a picture of Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III on it. He looked so sexah in a way that remined me of Caleb and Vampire snesnake. I started to cry and weep. I used a cantrip to burn myself and then i drank sdome blood. Then i looked at my black and orange watch and noticed it was time tuo go t the bright queen 4 a meeting. 

I put on a black lacy corset with beacons all over it and some really tight pants with Scanlan written all over them in blood dripping gothic letters and some thywigh black boots with spikes all over. I put my whit spiky hair out. Anyway I went downstars feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum meeting things with tha bright queen. I waz showing her some work in my spellbok. Suddenly the bok turned into Caleb! 

”Essek ich libe dich!” he shouted sadly. ”i dont care what tha fjucking preps and and posers fink” ur tha most buteful man in the wole world. Befor i met u i used to want to burn the whole place and myself down all tha time. Now i just wanna fjucking be with u! i fjucking love you!” then…. He started to sing ”your turn to roll” (we consider it our song now cuz we fell in love when scanlan was singing it) right in front of the entire court! His singing was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Scanlan, Grog, Victor, Silas and Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III (dont u fink doz guyz r so hot. if u dont know who yhey r hten gtf out of hr!) . 

”OMFG” i said after he finnishd. Some fjucking preps stared at us but i did the xhorhasian version of the middle finger (that was coverd in black nail polish and entwined with Calebs now) at them. ”I love you!” i said and then we stasrted to kiss just like Geneveive and Oscar in tusk love. Then we went away holding hands. Darion stshouted at us but stoped cause everyone was clapping by how sexah we looked 2getha. Then i saw a poster saying that the orphanmakers would have a concert in the Firmaments district right then. We looked at each other all shooked and then we went 2gether.


	16. Chapter 16

We run happily to the Firmaments district. There we saw the stage were vox makina had played. We run in happoly. The orphanmakers where playing ” Fallen Aasimar”. I was so fjucking happy! Silas looked even shexier then he did in da pictires. Even caleb thougt so, I could totally see him getting an erektion but it dndt matter cuz i knew know that we were da only tru 1ns 4 eachother. I was wearing a mini-jumpsuit in black lether and red fishnet and platform boots that where so big they almost tuched the floor even toug I was flootinh! Caleb was wearing a black baggy orphanmakers shirt whit lighting bolts on it and blak bagy pants. Anyway, we started moshing 2 fallen aasimar. We frenched. We run up 2 da front of da band 2 stage dive. Suddenly, silas pulled uf his mask. So this the others. We gasped. It wasnt them at all. It was..,…. cuducucu and da blomn growe!

”wtf caleb im not goin to a concert wid u!” i shouted angrily. ”not after what happen to me lasdt time? Even if it the orphanmakers n u no how muh i lik them!”  
” what cuse we…youknow…” he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause humans dont like to talk about you-know-what.  
”yeah cuse we you knoe” i yielded in an angrily voice.  
”we wont do that again” caleb promst ” this time, were going with an ESCORT.”  
”OMFG wtf/ are you giving into the mainstream?” i asked ”so i guess your a prep or Christina or what now?”  
”NO” he muttered loudly.  
”R u becoming a prep or what?” i shooted angrily  
”Essek! Im not! pls come with me!” he fell down on hes knees and started singing ”The Meat Man” by vox machina to me.  
I was flattened cause thats not even a single, he had memorizd da lyrks just 4 me!  
”OK then i guess ill have to go” i said and then we frenched 4 a while and i went home 2 my hose.

Medusa was standing there. ”Hajimemashite man” she said happily ( _I was going to put in something that works more with this world but this was in the original and it actually means ”nice to meet you” and I was so impressed I had to put it in_ ) ”BTW Darknez that fjucking poser got throunmt in the prisun bc shes a fjuckin traitor and did some bad shiot” (apperently i hate my oc now DEAL WITH IT)  
”it serves that fjucking bitch right” i laughd angrily.  
Well anyway we were felleng all deprezzed. We waetch some fantasy version of a movie (i cant come up with something my head hurt dont come for me) they were goffik and dark. ”Maybe Darknez will die too.” i said.  
”Kawai” Medusa shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. ”oh yeah o have a confession after she got throun in da dungeon i murdered her and den dairon did sojme kobold monk shit on her cause shes crazy.  
”Kawai” i comented happily. We talked to each other in silence 4 da rest of da fantasy version of movie.  
”OH HEY BTw, im goin to a conzwert w caleb in in the Firmaments district tonight with tha orpanmakez” i sed. ”i need 2 wer like da hotset outfit EVA”  
Medusa nodded ENERGeticALLlY. ”omfg totaly lets go shipping.”  
”in hag topic, right?” i asked, already getting out my spshcial Hag Topic Loiylaty carde.  
”No” my head snaped up.  
’WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not belive it. ”Meduca are u a PREP.?”  
”NOOOO!NOOO!” She laughed. ”I found some cool giffik store near the Firmaments district thats all. ”  
”hu told u abot them?” i adkt sure it wold be caleb or keg or vampire snesnak (dont even SAY that name 2 me!). or me.  
”Nottt” she said  
”OMFLG NOtT?” i asked quietly.  
”yah, i saw the map of the districts on his desk.” she told me. ”come on lets go”

We were going into a few punkgoffs stores SPECIALLY for the cencert in in the Firmaments district. The salesperson was OMFLG HOTTER THEN SILAS EXEPT NOT CAUSE THATS IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few cloaks. ”we only have these for da real goffs”  
”da real goffs?” me and Medusa asked.  
”Ya you woldnt belive how manu posters ther are in this town man! Yesterday dairon and beauregfard tried to buy a goffik camera pouch.” he shook his head. ”i dndt even know they had a camera”  
”OMFLG NO THEY GONNA SPY ON MY SPELBOK AGAIN!” i cried, running out of da chaningroom wearing a glittery suitset with sparkles and studds.  
”oh my luxon u have to buy that outfit” the salesperson said.  
”yeah it look totlly hot” said Medusa  
”u know whot im gonna give it to u for free cus u look so hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be att he concerst tonight?” he asked.  
”yeah i am actually” i lookd back at him ”hey btw my name is shadowhand essek lucifer MATT of den thelyss whats yours?”  
”Mollymauk” he said and ran a hand along his purple pirced horns. ”maybe ill see u there tonight.”  
”Yeah i dont think so cause i am going there with my bf caleb you sik perv!” i yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Jester flew in on her lollipop looking worried. ”OMFG ESSEK U NEED TO COME BACK TO THE XHORHAUS NOW!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole you-know-what situation is making me down and tired so that's why I haven't written anything. Hopefully I will be able to write more soon.


	17. Chapter 17

Moollymauk gave us some clothes n stuff 4 fre. he said he wuld hel pus with da makeup if he wantah cas h was rely in2 fashion n stuff. (hes pansexhual). Jester kept shooting at us to cum back 2 da xhorhause. ”WTF Jester” I shouted angrily. ”Fjuckof you fjucking blueberry,” well anyway Darknez came. Jester went away angrilu.  
”Hi gurl u look kawaii” she said.  
”YEah but npt as kawaii as u” i answered sadly cause Darknezs really pretty and everything. She was wearing a short tght corsety dress with a lot of lace and some purple hifhlites and those things u have around ur leg with spikes and she had a lotta juwrlery in her horns and hair and tail n stuff. She ahs a rely nice body w big bobs and everythin. 

”so r u goin 2 da concert wif caleb?” she asked.  
”yah” i sad happily.  
”im going with keg” she asneerrd happily. Well anyway Caleb and Keg came. Theyh were lookin extrehmlyu hot n sexy amd u coul tell they thut w were 2. Keg was wering a black shirt with 666 in rainbow color and vbaddy black pants with studs arfter the sides of da pants and goffik boots and she hada cigarett in her moth like always. Caleb whus werin a blak t-shirt with the orpjan maker logo and tight black lethery pants and he wus werin his cat as a scarf and his har was ul spiky n stuff n in a ponytal and it lookd all sekah and cool. Medusa was guin 2 da concert with Dracolara. Dracolara used 2 be called Lay Kima but it turnsd out she wus kidnappd at birth and her real partnts wus vampires. They died in an boatwreck-crash. Lady Kima konvirted to luxon and moved to xhorhas and whent goth. She was wering black armor n stuff with tha dragon on bc she can stil worship the dragon and luxin that jsut how it iz and a big blue mantle. She had black hair with blue srikes in it. We kall her Daraculara now. Well anyway we all went 2 calebs new bigger catspaw that xould fit al of us becuse hes so puverful now and it was black (geddit cus his goffek). We did pot, coke and crak. Caleb n i made out. We madu fun of those stupid fjuckin preps. We soon got ther… i gapsed. 

Silkas was tja sexhiest guy evah! He locked even sexhoiar then da pix! He had lonmg raven black hair n pierxing blue eyes. He wus stong n tall n had a goat tee and an amasin sexah voice. We moshd 2 fallen aassimar and sum odda songz. Suddenly silkas pulld of his mask. So did da otha membaz. I gasped! It wasnt silas at all! It was n ugly preppyu man w pink eys n no nose… every1 ran away but me and caleb. Caleb and I came. It was..,…. cuducucu and da blomn growe!

”U moronic idios” he shooted angstily. ”Essek i told u 2 kill vampire snesnake. Thou has failed. And now… i shuld kill u and Caleb!”   
”No no please” we begged sadly but he took ut his knife.   
Suddlnly a goffik goblin flew in on a purple bigbys hand. She has lung black hair. She was werin a black dress with yellpow skulls and daggers n stuff on it. She shotted a crossbow and Caducec ran away. It was….. NOT!


	18. Chapter 18

I woke up the next day in my coffin. I put on some black eyelined lipstick eyeshadow and highligter and a really low cut west with sklls on it and some tight pants. I put on my montle over it and a neck pice with a lot of silver lace metal stuff.   
(da night be4 me n Caleb went back 2 myh place. Not shased away Caduc. We wnt there on his catspaw that he made al goffik n stuff.we wnt back to out rooms and we had you-know-what to a Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III song.)  
Well anyway i went to the palace. There all the walls wus painted black and da fontain was black 2 with red water like blood. But u could se the pink pant under tha black pant.   
And there were pastors of poser bands like Ashley Johnson and the yeehaaw game ranch.   
”WTF” I shooted going to sit down next 2 Darknez and Medusa. Medusa was wearing a long black dress with gold trimmin and round glittery stones in the end of her braids. Darknez was wearin a black seathrou dress with a bodysut with pentagram shape on top under it. She had braided in stones n dimonds n stuff in her har and her horns had small rinestones on them. Vampire snesnake, Dracolara and Caleb came. We started to talk about who was sexier, silas or Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III or Scanlan. The boys joind in cus they wer pan.   
”those guys are so fjucking hot” lady kima was saying as suddenly a small gobin with black hair n everytin came. She was the same wun who had chassed away Caduceus yester day. She had normal goblin yellow eyes but had contacts that made the parts that were black more black and she had dyed black hair.   
”…….NOT??1?” we all gasped.   
”WTF?” I shoted angrily ”i thought she wus just wering that 2 scare Cadusus!”   
”Hello everyone” she sad happily. ”as u can see i gave the palace a makeover. What do u fink abot it?”   
All the posers started to cheer. Well we all goths lookd at ech other all disgust and shook our heads. We couldnt belive what a poser she was!1.  
”BTW you can call me Veth” SHE CALLED AS we left to tha throonroom.   
”What a fjyucking poser!” Caleb shoted angrily as we we the fontain room. We were holding hands. Vampire snesnake lookd really jelous. I could see him crying blood in his goffik way but i didnt say anythin. ”I bet his having a mid-life crises” Darknez shouted.


	19. Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha guess who's back?   
> For two chapters but still...

All day we sat anfly finkin of Noyt. We were so fjucking pissed of. Well, I had 1 thing to look forwaed too- da orphanmaker concert. It had ben postphoned, so we could all go.   
Anyway i went homme sadly to skip the meeting. Caleb was being all secrativ.  
I asked wht it was and he got all mad at me and startedc crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitive bi guyz so hot).  
”no one fjucking understands me!1” he shooted angrily as his red hare went into his blue eyes all hot n stuff. He was wering black baggy paints, a black orphanmakers t-shirt (buy it now at shop.critrole.com, no like seriously it’s amazing, also geeky please buy me one, fangs, back 2 da fic) and a black die (geddit insted of tie ko im goffik). I wus wering a low cut black lether top with high neck with chains all over it and rrelly tight lether pants and high boots but my mantle was covering it. My hair was all messy n curly n stuff.   
”accuse me? What about me!” I growled.  
”buy-but-but-” he grunted.  
”you fjucking traitor!” i moaned.   
”no! Wait! Its not wat it fjucking looks like!” he shooted.  
But it was to late. I knew what i heard. I ran to the bathrom, cring. Caleb basnmged on the door. I whipped and wepped as my bloody eyeliner stremed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my face. I TOOK OUT A CIGARETTE AND STARTED TO smoke pot.

Suddenly Jester came. She had appeard. 

”you gave me a shock!” i shooted angrily dropping my pot. ”wtfj do u think ur doin in tha mens bathrom?”   
Only it wasnt just Jester,. Someone else was with her too! For a sec i wanted it 2 b Mollymak or maybe Caleb but it was not.   
”Hey i need to ask u a question” she said, pullin out her black wannabe-goffik purs. ”what are you wering to da concert?”   
”u no who the orphanmakers r?” i gasped.   
”No i just saw ther wasa concert dat a lot of goffz and punx were going 2” she said. ”anyway Caleb has a suprise 4 u”


	20. Chapter 20.

All day i wonderd what the suprise was. Meanwhile, i pot on a black jumpsut with lace and lether n stuff and tigh high black lether boots. And a big porpol mantle over it. A big silver pice over it. The orphanmakers was going to do the cosert again cus Caducucus had taken over the last 1. I moshed in ma room all noight to the orphanmakers and was so exitied. Suddenly someone knocked at the door as i was truin on some black clothes and moshin to ”barbarian 4 life”. I gut all mad and turned it off, but sacredly i hopped inside that is was Caleb so we could do it again. 

”wut a fjukin hell r u doing!” I shooted agnrily. It was Daridin. ”r u gunna com take my spellboooks or what” I yelld. I was alowed to say that cus Not had told us 2 b cargul arond her cas they was a traintor.  
”no actuhelly (geddit, hell) can i plz borrow sum condemns” they growld agnrily.  
”yah so u can put sum fjukin spellz on them or sumthin, huh?” i shouted sarkustikuly.   
”fuker” she said, going away.   
Well anyway, (wtf am i doing with my life) I put on some black eueliner, black lipstik, black eueshadow and purple fonadion. Then i went. Den i gasped…… Beau and Darion ware in da midffle of da emtpy hallwasy, doin it, and the Gentleman was wathing!1   
”WTFJ is thiz y u wanted condomnes?” I asked sadistically. (c i spelld that) (also dont ask me why two women needs condoms to have sex i dont know) (nvm geeky has informed me i now know safe sex no worries)   
”only you wouldnt given them 2 me” Dairon shouted angrily.   
”whell you sholdav told me” i replyed.   
”you dimwit” Beau began 2 soot agnrily. And then….. i took out my nlack camera and took a pic of them. You cold se that they were nakled and everything.   
”well xcuse me!” the both shooted angrily. ” what was that all abot?”   
”it was 2 blackmil u” i snarked. ”so now next time u c me doin it with ma boyfriend you cant fjucking rat me out or i’ll show this to not, so fjuck of u fjuckheds” i started 2 run. They chased me but i throw a spell att hem and theyu trippt. Well anyway, i went outside and there was vampire snesnake looking xtremly hot.  
”WTFJ, where’d Caleb?” I asked him.  
”of he’s being a fjuckin balleater. He told me he wouldnt cum” vampire snesnake said shaking his head. ”U wanna cum with me? 2 da concert?” 

Then… he showed me his flying ship. I gasped. it was a black pirate ship. He sad his pairon Avantica gave it 2 him. On one side it said Orphan 666 and on the other it sad ESSEK.

….I gasped. 

We flew to the concert hall. Orhpanmakers where there, playin.   
Vampire snesnake and i began 2 make out, mochin to tha muzic. I gasped, looking at da band.   
I almost had an orgasmin. Sylas was so fjuckin hot! He begin to sing ” barbarian 4 life” and his sexhah beuteful voice beagn to fill da hall. … and den, i heard sum cryuing. I turned and saw Caleb, crying in the corner.


End file.
